Author Archive

Brokeback Truth

When I reach out and touch Facebook recently, I’m attempting to touch and be touched by everyone at this time of hope and unity. I’m fully aware that I’m perceived among some to be touching people inappropriately, but it can’t hurt to attempt communicating that my intentions are pure:

Right now I’m realizing the potential of Facebook to connect people, and not just in a “hi, how’ve you been?!” kind of way, either. It’s not lost on me that many of you have already realized this, and so I hope none of you take this note as anything more than my compulsive drive to merge these thoughts onto y’all’s information freeway.

Most of us live in Suburbia. We drive home to our bubbles inside of our bubbles after punching out of bubbles. From low orbit, these behaviors resemble insect commerce. Even though we do these things in unison, we’re isolated; in mind, body, and spirit.

Ani Di-friggin-Franco wrote this of her home city, Buffalo, NY:

“White people are so scared of black people.
They bulldoze out to the country, and put up houses on little loop-d-loop streets.
And while America gets its heart cut right out of its chest
the Berlin wall still runs down main street separating east side from west.
And nothing is stirring, not even a mouse, in the boarded up stores
and the broken down houses
So they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps
just to prove they got no manners, no mercy, and no sense.
And I wonder then what it will take for my city to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
The ghosts of old buildings are haunting parking lots
in the city of good neighbors that history forgot.
I remember the first time I saw someone lying on the cold street
I thought, “I can’t just walk past you, this can’t just be true.”
But I learned by example to just keep moving my feet.
It’s amazing the things that we all learn to do.
So we’re led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water
And the old farmroad’s a four-lane
that leads to the mall and my dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall
And I wonder then what it will take for my country to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
‘til nation’s last taker succumbs to one last dumb decision
And America the beautiful is just one big subdivision.”

I used these lyrics as an inspiration for one of my senior projects at the U. At the time I was torn, since I couldn’t seem to put to paper, graphically or otherwise, just why her sentiment trumped all other causes I might have alternatively dissertated. While I trembled to quote the passages, I shamed myself at what inadvertently seemed trivial to escape my lips in class discussions (they should have sent a poet—Sagan). I realize now I was touching a nerve within myself that runs to the very heart of what drives me creatively: my desire to connect to my species.

I watched a good part of Brokeback Mountain tonight, realizing the messages in it for me are the root of all that is wrong with the world as we know it: we’re all guilty of shirking love in favor of hatred, war, corruption, and isolationism. The film celebrates a few things about humanity that I’ve been able to pinpoint (Brokeback lovers, feel free to add to my list):

1. The beauty of men.

People who don’t take the time to know me might think I simply fetishize men. What I’ve come to know personally is that real, beautiful men find themselves mentally and physically neutered by a system that attempts to entwine male worth with social and economic power. People who don’t know me might also think my statement here somehow diminishes my feminist beliefs. I believe strongly that the two ideas are not only intimately connected, but are positively essential to each other if we humans are ever to achieve true equality.

In the film we see two men falling in love on a secluded mountain, painfully hesitant, but in their best moments without regard for what culturally suppresses their desires. So, that is, without the system that would quash that very union, but even more innovatively, without women. Again, I’m not diminishing women (I reiterate, as a former Women’s Studies student, I am and always will be a feminist–nay, a humanist). There may be some earlier examples of cinema, possibly French, that illustrate this, but I speak to this point as an American, and like many fellow Americans I was witness to the cultural attempt to brand this film “controversial”. It is to me, partly, a celebration of male beauty. Because the men I love are not the “yes men” I see in the marketplace, beating a capitalist drum, suppressing creativity, brown-nosing other men in a sad attempt to get in on some imagined ego fraternity. Mine (I say “mine” less as an attempt at ownership, and more in the sense of pride that I feel to have known them better and, in some cases, longer than most) are unapologetically themselves. Unapologetically creative.

2. The unfortunate predicament of the nuclear family.

Betty Friedan called it “The Problem Without a Name”, wherein isolated individuals—in Friedan’s case they were women, or more specifically, housewives—denied of social or sexual expression. The idea behind the problem is that as Americans flee cities in favor of suburbs; communities in favor of domestic microcosms, we’re doing so in concert with the rise of a capitalistic system whose very existence depends on us losing touch with one another. The extreme conclusion of these situations ensures the crumbling of not only the American family, but of entire communities. In Brokeback Mountain, both men feel compelled by this system to enter into these hetero-monogamous social contracts, at the demise not only of their own love affair, but of the non-sexual but true love for their wives, let alone families/children. No one wins in that scenario.

3. Lies.

We need to realize now just how much our daily lives are governed by lies: of a “free market”, of the anglo-christian notion of family, of an un-winnable war on drugs, of un-winnable wars, period, of the economy that places the worth of things above the worth of humans, ummmm…I could go on. But as this point relates to Brokeback Mountain: because of the shame we as individuals feel when we throw off the chains of these lies (i.e. engage in sex, drugs, and rock and roll), we lie to each other in order not to disturb the perceived “order” and “stability” this web of lies provides us. The characters in the film lie to their wives, who, in turn, lie to their families and their social networks. Lies spread and there you have it: corruption as is evident in every corner of our society. We accept the lies because we believe very deeply that they are necessary evils if we are to carry on living a lie.

I feel strongly now that, as I write this internetty bloggedy blog, I am humbly participating, however miniscule-like, in the revolutionary rise of a Knowledge Society. According to Wikipedia, “Knowledge Society refers to any society where knowledge is the primary production resource instead of capital and labour.” This new thing is unprecedented on this global level as we are witnessing with social networks such as Facebook, and I’m realizing, as are many others, the potential in said networks to give rise to this revolution. It’s in blogs, shared articles and ideas, shared art and music. Shared EVERYTHING. I, therefore, refuse to censor my ideas, not out of some flippant sentiment, but more broadly out of a civic duty to add my voice to the people’s chorus such that this Knowledge bubble can rise from the masses and above the lies in the populist manner in which it is destined to come to pass.

Anyhoo. Bottom line: Brokeback Mountain is hawtt, and therefore Ang Lee is hawtt. Ani Difranco is hawtt. Hell, Karl Marx is hawtt (though I regret I’m slow at reading him). Oh, and Christian informed me tonight that Rosa Luxemburg is über-hawtt. I feel privileged to have walked the earth among such Greats.

A Prophetic Personal Anecdote

After a failed attempt to import the RSS feed from the Frankensteinian code that is my MySpace blog, I’m having to piece-meal the effort, and in so doing, I’m realizing not only that less is more (i.e., it appears that no one reads this blog anyways, so no need to import ANYTHING, let alone EVERYTHING), but that I’m getting the opportunity to target my memoirs more acutely; getting at the heart of what’s shaped my experience, for whatever it’s worth to cyberspace.

I found this entry, from May 13, 2008:

“depression

I’m learning that my depression was never and will never be treated. I will always attempt to patch up the holes. I’ll always be chasing a train to normal-ville. But I can only visit. It’s not my home.

I’ve tasted fearlessness, boundless self-esteem, pure bliss, all of it. I know, from what I’ve seen and experienced with drugs, both street and legal varieties, that I can only look forward to higher and higher doses to get me even remotely close to that first taste again. I can try other drugs. I can play with other fires. This one seemed so perfectly lit. It seemed like my holy grail. But the cup is running dry. I’m filling it with tears of late.

No reason, really. I have so much. This feeling is selfish. I should be ashamed of myself, and so goes the circle of my emotions.

I turn to the external things I know that give me happiness in times of happiness (how cruel, these things that work best when you need them least): sex, beer, smoking, shopping, gallivanting. And I see only negative effects: insecurity, exhaustion, emptiness. And, since I’m medicated, I shouldn’t be feeling those things, right? So it can’t be me… I think I’ll just go ahead and blame the people around me. That’s TOTALLY fair.

Self-fulfilling, I complain that I’m not attractive anymore. I look in the mirror and see wrinkles, sags, and frumpy-ness…I see what my own mental illness has done to me over the years…the wrinkles between my eyes, the frown marks, the re-appearing nest on the left side of my hair that comes from fidgeting with it like a maniac. Oh, woe: I’m such a lame-ass for all of this. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I think if my boobs sag, I’ll lose everything. I put so much of my self-worth into my appearance. Where does that insanity come from??

And if I lose my physical attributes, no one will want to be with me, right? I’m just a body after all…no brains in this here head. Totally irrational. And the very fact that I’m feeling this way makes me THAT MUCH more unattractive! It’s never-ending!

Never mind all the things I’ve done to hurt the ones I love…my absurd conclusion has me relieving everyone of the pain I’ve caused them…I realized today that I’ve contemplated suicide. And when I do, it’s such a casual thought. It’s like I could just leave…and that’s it. I’m clearly not thinking this all through.

So, I called some random shrink today…one that’s covered by my managed care health plan. Maybe I’ll get in to see him. Maybe they’ll tell me they’re not taking new patients. Maybe I’ll have to go back to my general practitioner to see whether I should try increasing my dosage…where does that end? Should I try a new flavor?

It creeps up on you. Maybe that’s bipolar: you think you’re doing great. You don’t realize you’re not until you’re doing something stupid like crying as an excuse to get drunk, or freaking out at loved ones, subconsciously needing the adrenaline rush it provides.

I don’t write to whine. I write now to document&183; I wonder if it will teach me something when I look back…once they’ve got me “stable” on a new drug cocktail. I never wanted to admit it, but I knew this day would come…the day where I realize I’m Dependant on Glaxo Smith Kline for my sanity… a corporation that makes pills that curb my thriftiness and keep me from throwing over the government…but, hey: I’m happier that way.”

I’m glad the last line provides a segway into my ongoing revelation regarding drug dependency: I’m done with drugs that enslave me. That is to say, ones that suppress my ability to see the world the way it really is. I’m hoping I’ll prevail over the one that continues to hold sway over some of the receptors in my brain: nicotine. I won’t give my anti-smoking friends the pleasure of an anti-nicotine diatribe for the reason that I believe that my heart-and-lung health, though important, still holds no sway over my mental capacity.

I may have “needed” Cymbalta at one point. But I’m realizing quickly that my depression was the logical part of my brain signaling just how wrong things were around me. It served as a failed warning of the perils of ambivalence. Instead of heeding it, I bandaged it. I put on the proverbial blinders and shut up about politics, treachery, injustice, war. And I wasn’t the only one.

Now, as history proves us lefties right, it’s no coincidence that I suddenly concluded the end of Cymbalta’s reign on my brain during an interview on MSNBC with someone who was actually speaking in non-parsed English. I don’t even remember who it was, except that this human being spoke in human-being-ese, or the “truth”, as I believe it was once known in human history. Again, I don’t recall. I literally had the revelation that this political dialect was not just some presentational style that politicians take on when in the public realm; it is at best tip-toeing, at worst treason. It’s lying.

I am a patriot. When I put on my Rotary International blazer and gave presentations to the all-white, all-male Rotary “frat” in Germering, Germany in 1995, I did so with something of a chip on my shoulder, the least of which being the superiority I felt in representing a Salt Lake Rotary that allowed women in its club. I knew then what really made America great is what continues to make it great now, despite what some privileged white men have tried to shove down our throats in the way of capitalism and a military industrial complex; It’s diversity, stupid. I knew this even as a privileged white girl from a predominantly white city. I feel more related now to that wide-eyed 16-year-old than the mentally neutered woman I subsequently became and that I thought was indicative of a “grown-up”.

And to alcohol I say: you just make me stupid. I’m done being stupid. In a world in shift, I need all my mental facilities. I need to be present. I need to be loud.

Pot, on the other hand, it turns out, is kind of nice. I’ve had a few of these recent revelations, gleefully, under the influence of cannabis. You should try it if you haven’t. That goes for you Mormons, too. ;)

No One Won the Cold War

Remember the Cold War propaganda we saw as kids (I say “we”, referring to my fellow Gen-X-ers)? We were shown footage of Russian bread lines as evidence of Communism’s blight. That particular message struck a chord with us because, presumably, WE had never had to wait in line for bread.

And so, my fellow middle-classers may also be anticipating my argument with “Tracey, I know where you’re going with this. People weren’t forced to wait in that mob for deep discounts’. Maybe you’re thinking, simply, “shut up, Tracey”. I refuse.

I read today that Cubans, in the era of Who concert stampedes and soccer hooliganism, had a different way of cue-ing for concerts: Show up at the venue ahead of the event and receive consecutive place-numbers from the individuals who waited a short time after their fore bearers, relieving them of their cue-ing. Repeat this action on the individuals arriving after you. Then, arrive at the event to find people respectfully upholding those line assignments. No cutting, no pushing. That was in the 70s

Americans followed this model, roughly, and only in response to concert stampede tragedies of the 70s and 80s. But we see the same behavior now in the marketplace. Is there a better way for us to practice the Golden Rule species-wide that doesn’t require tragedy to piece-meal us back into social awareness?

From Wikipedia (ah, communist encyclopedia):” Herd mentality implies a fear-based reaction to peer pressure which makes individuals act in order to avoid feeling “left behind” from the group.” and, since we are still mostly animals, Evolutionary biologist W.D. Hamilton’s theory that the fearful animal herd appears to “act as a unit in moving together, but its function emerges from the uncoordinated behavior of self-seeking individuals” tells us why it is unconscionable for us to prosecute any one, or five individuals in the WalMart trampling. It was mob rule. What governs the mob in this case, since there were presumably no lions chasing these humans into the store?

Maybe our current marketplace is the savanna. Maybe our lions are trickle-down economics. Maybe our mob is ruled by the fear of being left behind in our economy’s oasis, the house and all the trimmings: where arrival is marked by one’s personal material appointments…

I say this all from a position of economic comfort, so I’m not just belly-aching, in case any of you with your own oases think I’m just being silly. I didn’t force you to read this.

Does the free market work on a social level? Apparently it’s parent company, the economic free market, didn’t. Are there good capitalistic Samaritans? Of course there are: my father, a Reaganite, made good money in the go-go Nineties and has a great philanthropic heart. Can we trust everyone at the top to be like my dad? The short answer: no. Religious organizations, non-profits, etc. just can’t fill the gap left by our system in it’s current state. People are being left behind.

If we are only animals, these stories suffice. They are chapters in the history of a failed species and a doomed planet. But, if we have hope, and if there’s a shortage of bread, let’s all wait in line, patiently–realizing that everyone deserves a slice. Better yet–let’s form a circle.

Death by Discounts

Headlines about yesterday’s shopping Terror are turning gross. One example: “Police Hunt for Tramplers in Black Friday Wal-Mart Death”

Seriously? We’re gonna “hunt” individuals and prosecute them? Is this some shameful attempt to purge our collective guilty conscience and continue our consumerist orgy?

Shoppers themselves at that Long Island WalMart reported feeling queasy about even filing in today in the aftermath…in contrast, WalMart officially called the incident “unfortunate”, opened it’s doors without fanfare, and attempted to practice “business-as-usual”. Meanwhile, WalMart workers, in an attempt to salvage some humanity, staged an impromptu memorial; lit candles and said prayers. People are begging for humanity right now. Corporations are banking on it’s absence.

If you have a moment, google “Dead Peasants Insurance”.

I wonder how much money WalMart made off of Jdimytai Damour…

Now the headlines have been replaced with: “Holiday Sales Kick Off With Discounts to Lure US Customers”. USA! USA! Forget about that black dude with the funny name, there’s bargains afoot! Jesus, people! It hasn’t even made it through our bloated 24-hour news cycle! FUCK!!!!!!!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Almost broke my fast

Technorati Tags:

I almost broke my communist fast. Thank Obama I was stopped–perhaps too late.

There I was, googling the socialist blogs for discussion of the recent capitalist crisis that manifest at WalMart and ToysRUs on this very dark black Friday. I was so hungry for analysis from my comrades at MSNBC that I tempted the breaking of my fast with the TIVO-ed Matthews-Olberman-Maddow Trifecta. Little did I know their programming had been usurped by a repeating Orwellian fear mongering: teenagers caught on tape. No, it wasn’t porn, at least not in the sexual intercourse sort of way. It was the systematic attempt from our culture’s collective fear and guilt complex to suppress the inevitable youth movement.

One anecdote: a recent poll found that Evangelical Christians under 25 are bigger supporters of gay marriage than New Deal Democrats over 60. The youth movement is coming and old people should listen to and/or join in, not fear it. It’s not going to hurt anyone if we love one another.

Let’s celebrate the birth of Jesus, American Style

Let’s work ourselves into a spending frenzy for Jesus to the end of trampling fellow pregnant Americans. Sounds like the end of an era to me.

http://hotair.com/archives/2008/11/28/the-black-friday-mindless-stampede/

Imagine

Take a moment in your day to read and parse the words in the following:

Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today…

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world…

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

-John The Lennon

Obama: The Messiah of our Minds

Does not challenge my atheistic sensibilities. Discuss.

boys

Boys are cute…what with their boy stuff and things. I’m stupid for boys. Hooray, boys! Play your videogame guitar magic, hero! I love your faces. I love boy forearms. In ode to boys I say, "let’s keep the good ones and throw out the lame!" I’ve had it with lame-tard boys ruining it for everyone. Good ones: make your presence known! Shame on the lame! Amen.

The Marmalade District’s future Obama Community Orchard

Tracey Bushman wrote:

> Dear Mr. Ashdown,

> Please advise on the legal/financial ramifications of the following sentiment. We can’t afford to build a house on this lot, and no one will buy it due to the unique nature of it’s dizzying travels through BOA and HLC. Remember us? Public statement follows:

>

> It is with great and renewed hope and belief in our democratic system of government that we wish to donate our interest in our land, 667 Wall Street, to the public trust, under the provision that the manner of development of said land be decided by the residents of the block of Wall Street that played a deciding role, democratically, in superceeding our right of property when it came to designing what we deemed appropriate by measure of both the Historic Landmarks Commission and the Board of Adjustments. We do hope our neighbors on Wall street share our belief in President Elect Obama’s call to revitalize our Nation’s economy through public works projects, and we regret only that this is a relatively small contribution in light of the urgent economic needs of our country at this moment in history.

>

> Thank you.

>

> Sincerely,

> Tracey Bushman

>>> Pete Ashdown <pashdown@xmission.com> 11/10/08 08:59 AM >>>

Tracey, this is a magnanimous action on your part. I am sorry that the
neighbors were not more accommodating to your request, because I see
that lot every day and think personally that your house would have been
an asset to the neighborhood. Regrettably, I don’t know what the legal
ramifications are regarding a lot donation, you’ll still probably have
to talk to the city and an attorney for advice on this. Maybe you can
turn it it into a community garden or a pocket park dedicated to
President Obama.
I have been off Landmarks since shortly after your case. It wasn’t due
to the case, which was probably the most upsetting one I’ve had to deal
with during my tenure, but the fact that my second term was over. If
there is anything I can do to assist with your intent on the lot, please
let me know. I have no idea how the Wall Street people feel about it,
but I’d be happy to donate to the cause too.

Pete

Hi Pete! We talked about it and we were remembering that the neighbors next door told us and are on the public record saying they wanted an orchard and parking. We could do both ;) .

Viva Obama!

Thanks for your support. I’ll keep you updated.