Archive for December, 2008

Brokeback Truth

When I reach out and touch Facebook recently, I’m attempting to touch and be touched by everyone at this time of hope and unity. I’m fully aware that I’m perceived among some to be touching people inappropriately, but it can’t hurt to attempt communicating that my intentions are pure:

Right now I’m realizing the potential of Facebook to connect people, and not just in a “hi, how’ve you been?!” kind of way, either. It’s not lost on me that many of you have already realized this, and so I hope none of you take this note as anything more than my compulsive drive to merge these thoughts onto y’all’s information freeway.

Most of us live in Suburbia. We drive home to our bubbles inside of our bubbles after punching out of bubbles. From low orbit, these behaviors resemble insect commerce. Even though we do these things in unison, we’re isolated; in mind, body, and spirit.

Ani Di-friggin-Franco wrote this of her home city, Buffalo, NY:

“White people are so scared of black people.
They bulldoze out to the country, and put up houses on little loop-d-loop streets.
And while America gets its heart cut right out of its chest
the Berlin wall still runs down main street separating east side from west.
And nothing is stirring, not even a mouse, in the boarded up stores
and the broken down houses
So they hang colorful banners off all the street lamps
just to prove they got no manners, no mercy, and no sense.
And I wonder then what it will take for my city to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
The ghosts of old buildings are haunting parking lots
in the city of good neighbors that history forgot.
I remember the first time I saw someone lying on the cold street
I thought, “I can’t just walk past you, this can’t just be true.”
But I learned by example to just keep moving my feet.
It’s amazing the things that we all learn to do.
So we’re led by denial like lambs to the slaughter
serving empires of style and carbonated sugar water
And the old farmroad’s a four-lane
that leads to the mall and my dreams are all guillotines waiting to fall
And I wonder then what it will take for my country to rise.
First we admit our mistakes and then we open our eyes.
‘til nation’s last taker succumbs to one last dumb decision
And America the beautiful is just one big subdivision.”

I used these lyrics as an inspiration for one of my senior projects at the U. At the time I was torn, since I couldn’t seem to put to paper, graphically or otherwise, just why her sentiment trumped all other causes I might have alternatively dissertated. While I trembled to quote the passages, I shamed myself at what inadvertently seemed trivial to escape my lips in class discussions (they should have sent a poet—Sagan). I realize now I was touching a nerve within myself that runs to the very heart of what drives me creatively: my desire to connect to my species.

I watched a good part of Brokeback Mountain tonight, realizing the messages in it for me are the root of all that is wrong with the world as we know it: we’re all guilty of shirking love in favor of hatred, war, corruption, and isolationism. The film celebrates a few things about humanity that I’ve been able to pinpoint (Brokeback lovers, feel free to add to my list):

1. The beauty of men.

People who don’t take the time to know me might think I simply fetishize men. What I’ve come to know personally is that real, beautiful men find themselves mentally and physically neutered by a system that attempts to entwine male worth with social and economic power. People who don’t know me might also think my statement here somehow diminishes my feminist beliefs. I believe strongly that the two ideas are not only intimately connected, but are positively essential to each other if we humans are ever to achieve true equality.

In the film we see two men falling in love on a secluded mountain, painfully hesitant, but in their best moments without regard for what culturally suppresses their desires. So, that is, without the system that would quash that very union, but even more innovatively, without women. Again, I’m not diminishing women (I reiterate, as a former Women’s Studies student, I am and always will be a feminist–nay, a humanist). There may be some earlier examples of cinema, possibly French, that illustrate this, but I speak to this point as an American, and like many fellow Americans I was witness to the cultural attempt to brand this film “controversial”. It is to me, partly, a celebration of male beauty. Because the men I love are not the “yes men” I see in the marketplace, beating a capitalist drum, suppressing creativity, brown-nosing other men in a sad attempt to get in on some imagined ego fraternity. Mine (I say “mine” less as an attempt at ownership, and more in the sense of pride that I feel to have known them better and, in some cases, longer than most) are unapologetically themselves. Unapologetically creative.

2. The unfortunate predicament of the nuclear family.

Betty Friedan called it “The Problem Without a Name”, wherein isolated individuals—in Friedan’s case they were women, or more specifically, housewives—denied of social or sexual expression. The idea behind the problem is that as Americans flee cities in favor of suburbs; communities in favor of domestic microcosms, we’re doing so in concert with the rise of a capitalistic system whose very existence depends on us losing touch with one another. The extreme conclusion of these situations ensures the crumbling of not only the American family, but of entire communities. In Brokeback Mountain, both men feel compelled by this system to enter into these hetero-monogamous social contracts, at the demise not only of their own love affair, but of the non-sexual but true love for their wives, let alone families/children. No one wins in that scenario.

3. Lies.

We need to realize now just how much our daily lives are governed by lies: of a “free market”, of the anglo-christian notion of family, of an un-winnable war on drugs, of un-winnable wars, period, of the economy that places the worth of things above the worth of humans, ummmm…I could go on. But as this point relates to Brokeback Mountain: because of the shame we as individuals feel when we throw off the chains of these lies (i.e. engage in sex, drugs, and rock and roll), we lie to each other in order not to disturb the perceived “order” and “stability” this web of lies provides us. The characters in the film lie to their wives, who, in turn, lie to their families and their social networks. Lies spread and there you have it: corruption as is evident in every corner of our society. We accept the lies because we believe very deeply that they are necessary evils if we are to carry on living a lie.

I feel strongly now that, as I write this internetty bloggedy blog, I am humbly participating, however miniscule-like, in the revolutionary rise of a Knowledge Society. According to Wikipedia, “Knowledge Society refers to any society where knowledge is the primary production resource instead of capital and labour.” This new thing is unprecedented on this global level as we are witnessing with social networks such as Facebook, and I’m realizing, as are many others, the potential in said networks to give rise to this revolution. It’s in blogs, shared articles and ideas, shared art and music. Shared EVERYTHING. I, therefore, refuse to censor my ideas, not out of some flippant sentiment, but more broadly out of a civic duty to add my voice to the people’s chorus such that this Knowledge bubble can rise from the masses and above the lies in the populist manner in which it is destined to come to pass.

Anyhoo. Bottom line: Brokeback Mountain is hawtt, and therefore Ang Lee is hawtt. Ani Difranco is hawtt. Hell, Karl Marx is hawtt (though I regret I’m slow at reading him). Oh, and Christian informed me tonight that Rosa Luxemburg is über-hawtt. I feel privileged to have walked the earth among such Greats.

A Prophetic Personal Anecdote

After a failed attempt to import the RSS feed from the Frankensteinian code that is my MySpace blog, I’m having to piece-meal the effort, and in so doing, I’m realizing not only that less is more (i.e., it appears that no one reads this blog anyways, so no need to import ANYTHING, let alone EVERYTHING), but that I’m getting the opportunity to target my memoirs more acutely; getting at the heart of what’s shaped my experience, for whatever it’s worth to cyberspace.

I found this entry, from May 13, 2008:

“depression

I’m learning that my depression was never and will never be treated. I will always attempt to patch up the holes. I’ll always be chasing a train to normal-ville. But I can only visit. It’s not my home.

I’ve tasted fearlessness, boundless self-esteem, pure bliss, all of it. I know, from what I’ve seen and experienced with drugs, both street and legal varieties, that I can only look forward to higher and higher doses to get me even remotely close to that first taste again. I can try other drugs. I can play with other fires. This one seemed so perfectly lit. It seemed like my holy grail. But the cup is running dry. I’m filling it with tears of late.

No reason, really. I have so much. This feeling is selfish. I should be ashamed of myself, and so goes the circle of my emotions.

I turn to the external things I know that give me happiness in times of happiness (how cruel, these things that work best when you need them least): sex, beer, smoking, shopping, gallivanting. And I see only negative effects: insecurity, exhaustion, emptiness. And, since I’m medicated, I shouldn’t be feeling those things, right? So it can’t be me… I think I’ll just go ahead and blame the people around me. That’s TOTALLY fair.

Self-fulfilling, I complain that I’m not attractive anymore. I look in the mirror and see wrinkles, sags, and frumpy-ness…I see what my own mental illness has done to me over the years…the wrinkles between my eyes, the frown marks, the re-appearing nest on the left side of my hair that comes from fidgeting with it like a maniac. Oh, woe: I’m such a lame-ass for all of this. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. I think if my boobs sag, I’ll lose everything. I put so much of my self-worth into my appearance. Where does that insanity come from??

And if I lose my physical attributes, no one will want to be with me, right? I’m just a body after all…no brains in this here head. Totally irrational. And the very fact that I’m feeling this way makes me THAT MUCH more unattractive! It’s never-ending!

Never mind all the things I’ve done to hurt the ones I love…my absurd conclusion has me relieving everyone of the pain I’ve caused them…I realized today that I’ve contemplated suicide. And when I do, it’s such a casual thought. It’s like I could just leave…and that’s it. I’m clearly not thinking this all through.

So, I called some random shrink today…one that’s covered by my managed care health plan. Maybe I’ll get in to see him. Maybe they’ll tell me they’re not taking new patients. Maybe I’ll have to go back to my general practitioner to see whether I should try increasing my dosage…where does that end? Should I try a new flavor?

It creeps up on you. Maybe that’s bipolar: you think you’re doing great. You don’t realize you’re not until you’re doing something stupid like crying as an excuse to get drunk, or freaking out at loved ones, subconsciously needing the adrenaline rush it provides.

I don’t write to whine. I write now to document&183; I wonder if it will teach me something when I look back…once they’ve got me “stable” on a new drug cocktail. I never wanted to admit it, but I knew this day would come…the day where I realize I’m Dependant on Glaxo Smith Kline for my sanity… a corporation that makes pills that curb my thriftiness and keep me from throwing over the government…but, hey: I’m happier that way.”

I’m glad the last line provides a segway into my ongoing revelation regarding drug dependency: I’m done with drugs that enslave me. That is to say, ones that suppress my ability to see the world the way it really is. I’m hoping I’ll prevail over the one that continues to hold sway over some of the receptors in my brain: nicotine. I won’t give my anti-smoking friends the pleasure of an anti-nicotine diatribe for the reason that I believe that my heart-and-lung health, though important, still holds no sway over my mental capacity.

I may have “needed” Cymbalta at one point. But I’m realizing quickly that my depression was the logical part of my brain signaling just how wrong things were around me. It served as a failed warning of the perils of ambivalence. Instead of heeding it, I bandaged it. I put on the proverbial blinders and shut up about politics, treachery, injustice, war. And I wasn’t the only one.

Now, as history proves us lefties right, it’s no coincidence that I suddenly concluded the end of Cymbalta’s reign on my brain during an interview on MSNBC with someone who was actually speaking in non-parsed English. I don’t even remember who it was, except that this human being spoke in human-being-ese, or the “truth”, as I believe it was once known in human history. Again, I don’t recall. I literally had the revelation that this political dialect was not just some presentational style that politicians take on when in the public realm; it is at best tip-toeing, at worst treason. It’s lying.

I am a patriot. When I put on my Rotary International blazer and gave presentations to the all-white, all-male Rotary “frat” in Germering, Germany in 1995, I did so with something of a chip on my shoulder, the least of which being the superiority I felt in representing a Salt Lake Rotary that allowed women in its club. I knew then what really made America great is what continues to make it great now, despite what some privileged white men have tried to shove down our throats in the way of capitalism and a military industrial complex; It’s diversity, stupid. I knew this even as a privileged white girl from a predominantly white city. I feel more related now to that wide-eyed 16-year-old than the mentally neutered woman I subsequently became and that I thought was indicative of a “grown-up”.

And to alcohol I say: you just make me stupid. I’m done being stupid. In a world in shift, I need all my mental facilities. I need to be present. I need to be loud.

Pot, on the other hand, it turns out, is kind of nice. I’ve had a few of these recent revelations, gleefully, under the influence of cannabis. You should try it if you haven’t. That goes for you Mormons, too. ;)